Lunch at The Orpheum= NO LIKEY

Full disclosure: I do not like sandwiches. If necessary, I will eat them, but only with great regret in my soul. The sandwich has never seemed like a real meal to me, even the hot ones that they try to fancy up with liney grill marks and molten layers of cheese. It's still bread, with something in between it. You eat it with your hands, and usually something goes awry with the mayo-derivative sauce slathered on the inside. It's messy, and to me, unsatisfying. Again, I don't expect everyone to dislike sandwiches. Oh who the hell am I kidding, why would anyone like sandwiches???

My point, however, is that the lunch menu at the Orpheum tends to reproduce what I consider to be the worst sins of midwest cuisine: lots of sandwiches that all sound really boring, requisite creamy pasta dishes, heavy, creamy soups, and salads that are neither here nor there. And inflated prices to boot.

While the lobster tail sandwich was probably the most inventive thing on the menu, it apparently came with some sort of creamy spread AND bacon, just to remind you that, no, this lobster ain't fresh, and yes, the midwest loves bacon. And all these other concerns aside, why would anyone put lobster on a sandwich??? Ok it comes with fries, but still tips the scales for lunch entrees at 11.95. Now, some of you out there are saying, but it's lobster! Lobster! The treasure of the sea. And I'm going to respond by saying that a lobster tail is about the size of an ambitious shrimp. Two mouthfuls at best. A total loss, I'm assuming, because based on the description there was no way I would ever order this.

My friends both ordered the walleye sandwich. It came encrusted with a tasteless layer of...come to think of it I can't remember if it was cornmeal, or almonds, or breadcrumbs...whatever it was it tasted like cardboard. Speaking of cardboard, at least some people know how to make it taste good! Luckily, the fish inside was also tasteless, making it entirely necessary to coat the whole thing with a thick tartar sauce. The fries on the side only made the sandwich more depressing. A regular bargain at 7.95, if you don't mind spending a few extra dollars half an hour later to get something better to eat.

Since I don't like sandwiches, or heavy creamy overpriced pastas, I decided to go with a cup of the tomato bisque and a house salad. The soup was actually pretty good, very, very rich, but tasty like blended tomatoes with butter. Oh what, that doesn't sound good to you? Well throw in some heavy cream, onions, and cheese and there you have it! Tomato Bisque! Like the old midwestern favorite, Campbell's tomato soup with grilled cheese, except all mixed together into a hot, red smoothie.

The salad of mixed greens came tossed with a lemon vinaigrette and chevre. It sounded like a good salad in theory, but it wasn't. The vinaigrette was pretty tasteless, and the couple clumps of chevre had seen better days. What can I say, I swallowed some oily greens, pushed the chevre around on my plate, and ended my lunch feeling a lot of resentment towards that fucking salad. And hunger.

The cup o' soup was 2.95, the salad 5.95. NO LIKEY!!!!